Thank you for clapping.
I went on a hike last Sunday and now I am a professional hiker. In order to help you make the best of your future meeting with nature, I have gathered below some of the things I have learnt from this breathtaking (LITERALLY) experience.
You can thank me later.
This is a long post. Grab some dried apricots and read on.
Consistency is key
I have been told that maintaining a constant walking speed is important. I don’t know who told me this, but it makes sense. This is what I have mastered during the hike. I was last at the beginning and last at the end. I couldn’t be any prouder of myself. While I was focusing on not falling on my ass every 2 seconds, two of my friends were constantly (again consistency) trying to be the first. If by any chance, one would manage to be first, the other would sprint to pass them. I wondered: 1- From where did they get the energy?? 2- Is one of them going to die fighting for honor? 3- Why won’t any of them fight for my place? Anyway. The week before the hike, I repeatedly told them “Guys, we will never leave a soldier behind!” Not really knowing that I would be THAT soldier. Thank God, we were 4, the 2 racer fanatics/competition junkies, the 1 who was stuck with me (who made sure I wasn’t going to die, because it would mess up the schedule) and me.
Fashion is important
Yes you read right. But by “Fashion” I don’t mean CK caps, Elie Saab matching clothes or Chanel glittery hiking boots (I am too poor… actually, if you know somewhere I can find pretty hiking boots, hit me up!). You just have to be careful how you pick and wear your clothes. I didn’t notice I was doing something wrong until I saw the pictures. I wore a black outfit (large T-Shirt and leggings), nothing unusual. I added a pink (because I am a girl) zipped hoodie. Still normal. I then stuffed the pocket with tissue papers (allergies) and in every damn picture I looked either pregnant or super fat. I cropped the hell out of my half real/half fake belly on Instagram (because it is supposed to be the most aesthetic social media of all) but I am going to bless you with the full sexy pictures here. You deserve it.
The healthier the better
Before heading to the hiking area, we stuffed our faces with mana’ich, chocolates and sugary juice for energy purposes. BUT during the hike we were healthy AF! We only ate dried fruits and drank water. We were becoming one with nature. We ate every 20 to 30minutes (the hike took 3h). We weren’t hungry, or dehydrated or feeling dizzy, we were just afraid to DIE. We were on survival mode and it is well known that walking during daylight on a very known path in spring could kill you if you don’t eat the damn dried apricots. At some point, the leader of our group was like “Stop eating!” but I didn’t listen, I just wanted to live…
Take the pictures before
As soon as I got out of the car and saw a tree, I started taking pictures, panoramas, selfies, boomerangs, videos, stories…
You can clearly see the buildings.
The leader: Are you serious? There are amazing and better spots later on. If we stop every minute to take pictures, the hike would take forever! (He didn’t know at this point about our MANY future apricot-breaks). I am happy I took early pictures because at the end of the hike I was a total mess, I was faking imaginary sickness and I was seeing the Light (I am not sure if it was the Light or the sun or the sheets out of a laundry product commercial).
There are risks
I didn’t fall during the hike even though I had many heart attacks. I have mastered gliding on dirt and rocks. I surfed my way through the hills. Besides my body being sore I have one cut from crawling like a lizard, towards the end, because I couldn’t stand straight anymore and walk like a human. I hope it will heal fast though…
Don’t care too much
At the beginning of the hike, we would gather and rest on decent rocks under the shades, chilling like athletes, like we got our shizzle together. Towards the end, I would throw myself on the ground without giving any heads up or making sure I wasn’t lying on a family of ants. I did not care about my clothes or my sanity at this point. All I cared about was not walking. No wonder why hiking rhymes with almost dying.
You are set for life
Hiking is the best excuse to eat everything for the rest of your life.
– Sandr, are you sure you want to have fried chicken ice cream after McDonald’s?
– Yeah of course don’t worry; I went on a hike 2 years ago…
Print this guide and take it with you on your next hike. You might need it.